Category: Discipleship

Appreciation Changes Everything

Just before bed last night I had an upsetting interaction with a friend. It was not a fight or an argument, but I was worried about her. In the past, something like this would have ruined my sleep. Yep; in days past this distress would have spun out my mind. I would have replayed the bothersome event while my heart thumped out of my chest and cortisol pumped through my veins. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Now that I am a mother of two active boys, I just cannot afford to lose a night of sleep over something like this. Sleep is a valuable commodity; losing it costs me too much. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have worked hard over the years to improve my quieting and appreciation skills. This means I can better calm down, rest, and feel thankful as I need to. Last night was one of those moments I needed to put my two skills to use. I spent a few minutes reflecting on highlights from my day. I glanced at a few fun pictures from earlier when the boys went sledding. The memories and images of their smiles brought me some much-needed peace and joy. I noticed my body was relaxed while my breathing was deep and steady. After a short time my nervous system settled and I peacefully prepared for bed.

Do you know that you can change what your brain knows as its natural state? For some of us, anger may seem natural. For others, we may feel like fear is a normal part of our personality. Some may think sadness is the home base. Ideally, our natural state is a combination of joy and quiet where we alternate between glad to be togetherness and moments of peaceful restfulness. We may consider ourselves “happy” “content” “secure” and more good things, but, far too often, this is not the case. Most of us quickly recognize we could use a minor (or major!) adjustment to the thermostat of our nervous system to run a bit “hotter” or somewhat “cooler.” In fact, just how you can adjust the thermostat in your house to a temperature that feels comfortable, you can actually change what feels normal to your brain – with a bit of purposeful effort and practice.

Intentional practice with appreciation can change how we approach life and relationships. Appreciation is a brain skill that can, well, change our brain! Appreciation is one of the easiest skills to start practicing because most of us have already experienced it in the form of gratitude and thankfulness. Appreciation is what my husband Chris calls, “packaged joy” that can be remembered and shared anytime, even when circumstances are not bringing us joy.

Our friend Dr. Jim Wilder shares that feeling five minutes of appreciation three times a day over thirty days can change our outlook on life and reset the nervous system to run on joy. Five minutes sounds easy on paper but it does take some work. Five straight minutes of sustained appreciation can be hard to maintain because you have to stay focused and feel appreciation in your body. In the beginning you may find your mind starts to wander. Soon the warm feeling of appreciation begins to fade like an old stick of bubblegum. Don’t give up! The more you practice, the easier it will be to sustain the appreciation feelings. Also, I have a useful suggestion for you to try.

I have found it helpful to have a list of special moments in my journal that bring me appreciation. I like to have a one or two word “title” for the moments that will remind me of my appreciation memory. For instance: Snow Fort, Sunset, Michigan Beach, Giggles, Sledding, Camp Fire, Blowing Bubbles, Bedtime Snuggles, etc. These words jump-start my appreciation and give me a list to refer to in case my appreciation feeling fades. At this point I have a new appreciation memory to focus on. Many people find it helpful to look at pictures on their phones or photos from family albums or scrapbooks to get them started. Find what works best for you.

Appreciation is such a significant skill for building joy, strengthening connections between people, recovering from upset and helping our relational circuits come back on, to name just a few. Appreciation has helped me in many difficult seasons of my life, in my marriage, and for my parenting challenges. Go ahead; set your appreciation timer and have some fun today!

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My Joy This Week

My sons are very blessed to grow up in a home where they are learning relational skills. These skills are the foundation my boys will need to navigate life and relationships. Many of us were not so lucky to learn relational skills early in life.

Just this last week I enjoyed the privilege of leading a group of motivated people who earnestly wanted transformation in their lives and relationships. I led what we call Track One of THRIVE Training. This is one of four training tracks we offer through our 5-day interactive training events. What a blessing it was to watch people change in the same week! It makes me think of a butterfly bursting forth from a cocoon!

Monday the group arrived eager to learn but trepidatious and unsure what to expect. Some people came in feeling low on energy, low on joy and a bit frazzled. In spite of this these courageous people were in pursuit of the 19 brain-based relational skills that are practiced at THRIVE and each person was intent to bring the skills home to pass on to their families and communities.

You see, ideally these skills would have been passed on to us by our family and community members early in our formative years. Once learned, we would have used these skills throughout our lives without even thinking about it. By adulthood we would be experts using the skills and we would be ready to pass them onto the next generation of young minds. Unfortunately, for many of us, we are simply trying to survive life, navigate relationships the best we can and fumble our way through parenting – without the necessary tools. We know there must be more.

One simple skill that many of us are either weak in or not utilizing to its full potential is Skill 2, Quieting. Calming and quieting help us get through the emotional roller coaster of daily life and the intense overwhelm of hard times. When we do not have this skill we may push ourselves to the point of exhaustion and burnout. We may run ourselves ragged each day without moments to recharge, much like using our phone all day without plugging it in. We end up with a depleted, drained battery.

One simple test to see how effectively you can use this skill is to take 5 minutes of silence. Set a timer, breathe deeply and notice how you feel when you finish.  Are your muscles relaxed? Did your thoughts and busy mind slow and settle down? Is your breathing deep and calm? (Mothers and fathers with little ones, you may have to try this when your littles are napping in order to find some quiet.) If you answered No to any of the above, it is likely you could use more practice. Don’t worry; most of us can use more practice with this essential skill.

For me, when I first tried this exercise my mind would busily race with a To Do list. My muscles tightened and tensed as though I was preparing for a marathon. I held my breath as the long list of items swirled through my mind. It took a lot of practice quieting in the calm moments in order to improve my ability to use this skill. Thankfully, I can now quiet myself very quickly – even in the midst of chaos. Once you are effective at using this skill you will be able to take a few deep breaths in the midst of screaming children full of demands and feel your body relax – even when nothing changes in your circumstances. As parents, the skill of quieting can really be a sanity saver!

My THRIVE group this week spent a lot of time practicing skills such as quiet, joy, appreciation, engaging stories, interacting with God, disconnecting to rest and fun exercises designed to build emotional resiliency. By Friday I saw joy breaking out regularly on their faces. There was a deep sense of peace in the room each session and I noticed attendees were spreading appreciation to those around them. This group appeared fully alive and one person even commented that this training week was the most amazing experience of her life. These are skills that have changed my life, my marriage, my family and my parenting, so it is extremely rewarding to see how people are learning and passing on the skills so that more families and communities will receive the blessing of joyful transformation.

These skills are so valuable to us as parents. Not only can they make the difference between barely surviving parenting and thriving despite our circumstances, they are also crucial to our children and preparing them with the tools they will need to navigate life as they grow. If you would like to join me at one of our in-person training events, learn more by visiting THRIVE Training as well as our weekend Joy Rekindled marriage retreats. To start practicing these skills in small groups or with a friend, check out Transforming Fellowship, Joy Starts Here, Connexus and 30 Days of Joy for Busy Married Couples.

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