Working through conflict isn’t fun and often results in relational rifts and disconnections that are never fully repaired. Can you relate to this?
When our past experiences teach us that conflict only leads to pain, any future conflict begins to produce stress, anxiety, or dread and we often find ourselves wanting to run away or run over people we love in order to protect ourselves.
Many of our negative experiences with and responses to conflict stem from unhelpful goals. While we might not always recognize it, often we want to win, be right, or ensure that the other person sees things our way. Alternatively, our goal might be to make sure the other person isn’t mad at us, ensure a happy ending, or just make the problem go away. The problem is that each of these goals hinge on factors that are beyond our control and ultimately don’t produce greater health and connection in our relationships.
So when it comes to conflict, we can’t control how others respond, whether or not they will see and understand us, and ultimately what the result of the conflict will be. However, we can control how we walk through the conflict, our openness to see and understand the other person (even if they can’t give it in return), and the degree to which we turn to Jesus for His comfort and guidance.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. – Rom. 12:18 (emphasis added)
What would happen if we reframed our goals in regard to conflict? What if instead of trying to control the outcome or the other person, or make the problem go away, our goal was to stay connected to Jesus and be the best version of ourselves throughout the process? What if our goal was to honor God and strengthen the relationship with the other person more than proving that we are right?
Relational skills give us the tools we need to pursue these relational goals in the midst of conflict. They help us to keep focused on what matters the most, stay in touch with our best selves, and navigate the difficult emotions in ourselves and the other person during relational discord.
Curious about how to navigate conflict in a relational way and how relational skills can help?
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Learn how to stay grounded, connected, and at peace even in tough conversations:
➤ Conflict: When Good Communication Isn’t Enough
- Explore this online course offering a fresh perspective on conflict with teaching and exercises to help you better walk through relational discord.
➤ Listen to this recent podcast episode
- E106 Andy’s Marriage Story: Thrive Premier Training grad and Thrive volunteer, Andy Whitney, tells us about how relational skills helped when facing some challenges in his marriage. He takes us through his journey of learning relational skills and how he and his wife incorporated skills into their marriage to improve their connection and build capacity together.