One of my favorite books, RARE Leadership, talks about VCR which is the acronym for Validate, Comfort and Re-pattern. Loved ones who validate and comfort us help our emotional brain quiet big feelings and return to relational joy. The ability to quiet big feelings and return to relational joy and peace is Skill 11 of the 19 relational brain skills. Children as young as two-years-old will talk to themselves using validation and comfort when they have parents and caregivers at home who use this VCR sequence. This skill is helpful to everyone regardless of age, but I will share how I helped my children learn this process.
I first started with my then seven-year-old son, Matthew. I explained how validation is acknowledging how big a problem feels. I said, “For example, I am REALLY mad that my brother just broke my favorite toy!” I went on, “We might then add more descriptive words about how upsetting this is for you, and how you feel sad because this toy was very special.” I could see the wheels turning while he nodded. Another way to think of this step is to “say what you see” – which is a simple way to describe acknowledging what you see someone is feeling.
The next step is to comfort. I explained to Matthew that comfort is, “looking for what we can still be thankful for, even though this upsetting thing has happened.” I then offered an example. “At least I still have a lot of other toys I can enjoy, and maybe Daddy can fix my broken toy when he returns home.”
Looking for what we can feel thankful for during an upsetting circumstance brings the problem into a better perspective, helps us better manage our emotions and activates our relational brain. You see, big emotions that are not quieted or regulated tend to knock our relational brain offline. Therefore, we can use appreciation as the bridge to take us from agitation and isolation to peace and connection
On a side note, if we first respond to distress in others by trying to offer comfort before validation, they will feel like we do not understand just how big their feelings are, and they may feel minimized. In fact, many well-intentioned husbands or wives slip on this banana peel with a spouse, which leaves the partner feeling alone, dismissed and misunderstood. Validation and comfort are important responses we can learn to better calm ourselves. This response pattern is a meaningful gift we can share with other people. I have discovered that my most meaningful interactive prayer times with God are when I sense He validates and comforts me in my distress. This response leads to immense peace and hope.
LEARN MORE
- Join our Upcoming Event: Relational Tools for Healthier Emotions where we will discuss and practice a version of this VCR process.
- Tune into this week’s podcast episode as our friend Michel Hendricks shares his perspective on why the VCR process is so valuable.
- Visit our Return to Joy webpage Discover other Return to Joy resources, including podcast episodes and free webinars.
- Learn more about our Premier Training Dive Deeper in Track 2 where the Return to Joy skill is practiced in-depth.